Be Like the Little Children: An Open Letter to Pastor Joel Osteen

Dear Mr Osteen,

When my daughter, Cheyenne, died in 1994, easily some of the kindest and most tender words of solace were offered by the young, sometimes very young, children. They seemed to understand the pain of a baby's death. Some children, often of my friends or neighbors, learned of the news with their parents; the children's faces contorted with sadness, their heads dropped, they hugged me, a few cried.

Years later, even now, when I tell a young child that one of my precious children died - many years ago - he or she will often respond the same way. An old friend's 8-year-old daughter, whom I just met,  said, "That's the most sad thing that could ever happen isn't it? You must still be so sad."

Indeed, I am still sad that she's dead. I will be an old woman, sitting in a chair, looking out a window, and wishing she never died.

It's a concept that is simple enough for a child to understand.

But apparently it is a concept that seems to be far too complicated for subsets of adults. Not just "grown ups" with plenty of letters after their names and copious industry funding sitting around a table deciding who's "mentally ill" and who's not "mentally ill" but also for spiritual leaders, who want to use the Bible, or any other holy book, as a weapon to emotionally assault those who are the most vulnerable.

Mr. Osteen, instead of chiding those who mourn the death of a child, telling them that they "like the attention too much" (shaking my head in near disbelief) and castigating them because when others "tried to lift their spirits", they were not as responsive as you - or others - believed they should have been... perhaps, instead, you and others should join them in the abyss.

Allowing mourners to be in their pain, without trying to make them change how they feel (often to make yourself and said others feel better), would actually be a more compassionate and more Christlike response. Why? Because trying to force a grieving person to feel better is like telling a double amputee to get up and run before she is ready: its insensitive, lacks circumspect, and certainly doesn't even remotely resemble compassion. And Jesus seemed intent on compassion for the weakest amongst... didn't he? Are we talking about the same guy?

I suspect the psychological responses of the couple to whom you make reference in your book were exacerbated by judging others who, like you, are likely terrified to imagine what it would be like to see your own child's dead, cold body laying in a casket. I do understand. That's not an image you want in your mind is it, sir?

So instead of joining them in imagining that horror, one you really can never fathom until it is happening and, even then, the brain does all it can to protect itself from the utter atrocity of the experience, you - and others - use spiritual bypass to "lift up" - only for many, these pushes toward premature healing don't lift up grieving parents- they tear down and alienate and ostracize those who most need comfort and solidarity.

By joining them in the abyss, rather than "lifting them (forcibly) up",  they see that others have stood by them, borne witness to their suffering, not averted their gaze, have offered their nonjudgmental heart and compassion, slowly, ever so slowly, integration comes.

No, they do not "like the attention." No they are not slathering in what you call "self pity."  Their child is dead. 

At what point in your ministry did your heart turn to stone?

This attitude, sir, is the reason that many grieving parents with whom I work turn away from religion, perhaps, even from God. Does Romans 14:13 mean anything to you?  Your words may become the very stumbling block about which the Apostle Paul admonishes.  And I assure you, there is no one more vulnerable than a person who is traumatically bereaved, particularly a parent who has lost a child.

So, two things. I invite you to participate in my training on traumatic grief where I cover the issue of spiritual bypass and religion, and where we explore findings from a survey of bereaved parents I conducted that found pastors and spiritual leaders scored lower in satisfaction with compassionate caregiving than doctors, nurses, social workers, mental health providers, funeral directors, first responders, and investigators.  I'll even pay your tuition.  You can register here.  You will learn more in these four days than you did at seminary, if you attended seminary, I promise.

And two, I encourage you to re-read my opening paragraph and refer you to Matthew 18:3:

Truly I tell you that until you change and become like the little children, 

you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."  

You can begin that change with a swift and open apology to all those so deeply hurt by your words. I hope that your Christ moves your heart to see, to truly see.

I look forward to hearing from you. Of course, you can email me Dr_Joanne@me.com.

Oh yeah, P.S.  "Jesus wept."  Ironically, he knew he was going to resurrect Lazarus. That Jesus - maybe he just wanted attention and was wallowing in self-pity?


*****

Update: I have invited Mr Osteen to either apologize, publicly, to the bereaved, showing a little Christlike humility, explain himself publicly for his statements in Chapter 17 of his book which were so offensive to so many, and/or publicly debate/discuss/discourse about this issue with me.

Sadly, in response, Joel Osteen and his ilk have blocked me on Twitter. To see the photo of the book excerpt that hurt so many, view here.

Seems I may have triggered a little passive aggression from the Joel Osteen Ministry Team because apparently this issue isn't important enough to "matter."

And all this talk about this issue may be evidence of extraordinariness:

Yeah, a special kind of extraordinary, apparently.  As an aside, those folks who sit around that table and make those decisions I talked about earlier? Sorry, but they'd have a number or two for you.

**************

Update 2:

‪#‎JoelOsteen‬ continues to block every bereaved parent who implores an explanation or an apology. He blocks and then deletes the stories of their children who died. He takes down their photos from his wall without so much as an "I'm so sorry you endured this." I'm trying very hard not to judge. But this, to me, not only feels like a devastating violation of what it means to be a spiritual leader but, more importantly, it feels like a devastating violation of what it means to be deeply human.

I want to extend my heartfelt apologies to all the families with whom I've worked and with whom I have not worked. I apologize for the blocks and deletions and for the untrue and uneducated words he published in that book re-published in 2014, Chapter 17, that acted as a psychological weapon against so many already so wounded by the death of a child or a sibling or a spouse or a parent.

As a scientist, as a counselor, and as a bereaved mother, I assure you that the issue of grief, particularly when traumatic, is something that should not be irresponsibly discussed by those who lack the training, experience, education, and compassion to do so: not in a university, not in a book, not in a coffee shop, and not in a church. If you do not know, just listen. If you cannot understand, do not judge. And certainly, never vilify and humiliate someone who has been hurt with a hurt so deep that "not even the depth and breadth of eternity can fill it" (Charles Dickens) the way he did with Phil and Judy in Chapter 17. They represent us all, any person grieving for longer than Mr Osteen deems appropriate and any person who does not appear to respond to the "lifting up" of others.

Let me explain for a moment why I feel so strongly about this. Scholars have found that bereaved parents, in particular, are at increased risk for suicidality and premature death (Sanders, 2006; Qin & Mortenson, 2007; Cacciatore, et al., 2014). Countless studies and common sense tell us that social support is one of the most salient predictive variables in protecting those who are traumatically bereaved.

Conversely, social constraints, like others refusing to talk about our grief, failing to remember our loved one, and pressuring us to move on, are "significantly associated with more depressive symptoms, perceived stress, somatic symptoms, and worse global health" (Juth et al., 2015). What I read in his book is about social constraint. Not just harmless foolery in my opinion but also dangerous.

This is an exceedingly high-risk population, fragile, and they (we) need and deserve love and compassion and patience and humility from those around them (us). Most do not need want to be forcibly 'lifted up' or expected to "move forward" in a few months or even years. Most do not need or want others to judge them. Most want others to accept what they feel in that moment, be it sadness or despair; guilt or regret; or even peace and nostalgia. Given the space, compassion, and dignity it deserves, their grief will slowly change over time. Not give the space and compassion, and dignity it deserves, and ... therein lies the problem. What happens in the spaces between people matters.

Most grievers simply want others to care and remember with them, to allow them to be authentic in whatever that moment brings. In the wise words of Robert Hall, M.D., "I help them be with what is true. The healing comes from that."

A person of influence who misunderstands and declares war on grief not only harms individuals and families. He or she also influences unrealistic expectations and, thus, hostility toward the bereaved in society.

I leave you with the words of Walt Whitman: “Re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul; and your very flesh shall be a great poem, and have the richest fluency, not only in its words, but in the silent lines of its lips and face, and between the lashes of your eyes, and in every motion and joint of your body."


Update 3:

If you follow this blog and you're upset by this, I understand. But please do not heckle Mr Osteen in church like this. I support peaceful, nonviolent, and respectful protest. Stay outside his church and hold signs or write a blog. But please don't go into the church and heckle him. Thank you. And I'm sorry - very very sorry - he hurt so many so much.

If you have something you'd like to say about this and you're on Twitter you can use #StandUpToJoelOsteen and #JoelOsteen.